Relationships and Unconditional Love

Greetings, Beloved Ones.

A question was posed to us recently:  how can I best love unconditionally while seeing the humanity in that person?

To love unconditionally is not a normal human state of being.  Humans love, but in passionate and diverse ways.  And most individuals, when they decide they love someone, are actually interpreting a particular emotion as love, instead of it truly being love.

Again, human love is very conditional – even the love of parent for offspring can be very unconditional.  When you look at what the job is of a parent – to raise a child from birth to adult in a manner that is healthy, teaches values in alignment with society, and which prepares that child to take its place in society as a functioning adult – it is amazing when it is successful and usually tragic when it is not.

But even then, when the child has become an adult and is contributing to society in a meaningful way, parents refuse to let go.  They make demands that their child continue to be in their life, to continue the traditions they raised the child in, and in turn demand that the child care for the adults.  All in all, throughout the process of this lifetime, there are conditions that are demanded of the child to coerce and manipulate the child into becoming what is deemed “appropriate” to the parents’ standards.

If that child should balk at doing what it is instructed, if the child should become the “black sheep” by running off and doing his or her own “thing”, then see indeed how conditional that love truly is.  But how else is a child going to become a contributor to the society if one does not force it into the society’s patterns of behavior?  Interesting question, yes?  How can the adult raising the child respect the child and all that the child is – potentials, intelligence, personality, gifts – without crushing the child in the process of taming that child to society’s standards.

Let’s examine a romantic love relationship.  You have individual A and you have individual B.  They meet, get to know each other, and decide they want their connection to get further entwined.  But A has emotional baggage from A’s life and B has emotional baggage from B’s life and that does not always work together – exactly the opposite in some cases.  So what to do?  Disengage and move away from each other?  Many people will do just that and others will stay put.  What is the correct action to take?  Well, that depends on each person.

Love is a complex emotion for humans because of the conditions each puts upon love.  Some feel they are giving a gift to the other person and if B does not treat A’s love as the end of all there is then A feels neglected and hurtful.  B feels that having told A that B loves A in the past means B does not have to repeat it multiple times every day.  A’s feelings are hurt because B does not do what A wants B to do.  B feels disrespected because A does not believe B loves A.

So messy.  And so unnecessary.  A is projecting A’s issues onto B and B is projecting B’s issues onto A.

To truly love anyone, the individual must love his or her self.  And to love anyone else unconditionally you must love yourself unconditionally.  But how often is that a reality?  How often do you judge yourself harshly for something you did?  How often do you wish you had done X instead of Y?  How often do you berate yourself for something nonsensical that you perceive as being so important?

Until you can accept yourself unconditionally you will not be able to accept anyone else unconditionally; you will continue to project your wounds and weaknesses onto every interaction you have with your loved ones until you rip the love you have for that person to bits.

Now that we have probably answered your question in a way you were not expecting, let us tell you that it is possible to heal yourself and to learn to love yourself unconditionally.  This is the one love affair that you should never stop working on your entire life – the one with yourself.

As you work on this relationship with yourself, you will find the warts and the baggage and the negative emotions and past history within yourself that you have buried away.  And you will heal yourself of that baggage and thus release yourself from the chains of judgement and disrespect, possibly of self-hatred and self-despising.\

Along the way you will encounter individuals to love – for that is part of the human process.  And this love will take many forms – love for family members, love for friends, love for lovers.  And you can work to share this love with those others while constantly being alert and sensitive to the wounds ever present within you.  Why?  So that you don’t project your wounds onto the other person and their actions and choices.

This is where respect for Free Will comes into play.  If you don’t acknowledge that each individual has the right to make their free will choices then you will constantly be trying to force that person to live within a box of your own making, created by you out of judgement.  When you acknowledge that your free will is equal to the other person exercising his or her free will then you have taken a step forward.

Why?  Because unconditional love exists when others make free will choices that may negatively affect you or your life.  A loves B, but B decides to take B’s savings and go hiking through the Amazon for a year.  Maybe B has been telling A that this is B’s heart’s desire but A feels that paying the bills is more important.  B goes anyway, leaving A to deal with the aftermath.

If A loved B unconditionally then A would acknowledge B’s right to do the trip to the Amazon. A would also recognize A’s right to make free will choices that are in A’s highest and best good.  A would not bad mouth B’s decisions but would instead live their life making choices based upon that unconditional love and not out of hurt, spite, pain, remorse, anger, etc.  So when B comes back – now what?  If B loves A unconditionally then B contacts A to see where A is to discover the changes A made and if A and B are both willing to continue in a love relationship.

Many people would call B’s actions selfish and immature; they would say A was hard suffering and deserved to have someone “better” in A’s life.  But if people saw the situation framed in unconditional love, then they would understand that all is perfect.  Love is not a commodity to be parsed out sparingly, with a high price tag.  Love is the emotion that makes human life possible and when it is shared unconditionally and unstintingly then each person will live their life in accordance with his or her highest and best good, regardless of how it affects others.

Warning – the various societies around the planet are not accepting of this type of behavior, so regardless of whether A can love B unconditionally is liable to strike terror into the collective consciousness of that society which will then work unilaterally to destroy any concept of unconditional love.

But – that’s the challenge, isn’t it?  Every time, when you the individual stretch the boundaries of your societal norms those around you react on an unconscious level.  But that does not mean you stop – it means you keep pushing forward – if the choices are in your highest and best good they will happen easily and effortlessly.

Human love is complex because humans make it complex.  Unconditional love is very simple, but difficult to attain.  It is not meant to be impossible, though.

You are loved, at all times, unconditionally.  Blessings to you.